Iowa: It’s exactly what you were expecting, right?

Today’s public service announcement comes to you straight from the heart of Des Moines, Iowa – a smallish, quaint, quiet and mostly dilapidated circa-1970’s hovel in the middle of a cornfield. With one “skyscraper.” And good God-fearing, gun-toting farming folk. Pronounced “dez MOY-nz.” Right?

Apparently that’s what the reporters over at FishbowlNY have determined about our inconsequential little flyover state, as talks of a merger between Time Inc. and the Meredith Corporation (the latter based here in Dez Moynz) finally sputtered to a halt Thursday. Why would two highly successful publishing houses have difficulty conglomerating into one giant, amoebic media mass, you ask?

According to FishbowlNY, because…Iowa. (And also possibly that “Time Inc. and Meredith can’t decide what to do with Time, Fortune, Money and Sports Illustrated.”) Writes Fishbowl’s Chris O’Shea:

“If the talks fall through, blame Iowa. In almost every report about the media combo, there has been a mention about how people think Iowa (where Meredith is headquartered) sucks.”

One of those “it’s funny because it’s true” jokes, right? O’Shea also kindly informs us that it’s unfair to judge preemptively, as Iowa has exactly three (THREE!) redeeming factors: Adventureland amusement park (yes, really), The Bridges of Madison County, and the same native tongue as New York.

See? Raygun’s t-shirts get to make fun of Iowa, because they’re made IN Iowa!

(Clearly this man hasn’t done his homework, as there are none of the usual mentions: Capt. James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise, our UNESCO City of Literature and the world-renowned International Writer’s Program, the first state to caucus for presidential election candidates every four years, our Olympics gold-winning gymnastics training centers, home of the World Food Prize, birthplace of professional ass-hat Ashton Kutcher and indie flickster/”Frodo” portrayer Elijah Wood – the list goes on.)

But still…Iowa, right? No number of laudable places, people, or accomplishments seem to un-tarnish our outdated national reputation. It’s no wonder Time Inc. employees were fearful of a potential relocation. From Christine Haughney of the New York Times:

“As bankers and media executives work out the details of creating a new publicly traded company to house the magazine titles of the Meredith Corporation and the lifestyle titles of Time Inc., employees at both companies have been wondering how executives will take on the harder task of merging two very different corporate cultures.

Meredith’s headquarters in Des Moines have an open floor plan; the executives have their offices on the first floor and favor early-morning meetings. A recent lunch at one of Meredith’s magazines featured kale salad and rosemary-infused cucumber lemonade. Time Inc. executives tend toward lunches at Michael’s, where the dry-aged steak is a highlight, and after-work cocktails at the Lamb’s Club.”

Good god, not kale and open spaces! Can you imagine the clash of cultures that would ensue if these media behemoths actually had conglomerated? Who would be so heartless as to send an ambitious young upstart in the Big Apple to Forbes’ running “Best City for Young Professionals,” Des Moines? (I hear they only have one “skyscraper!”)

Unending miles of corn fields. Look how they sparkle in the glow of the harvest moon. (Image courtesy of picturesofiowa.com)

The jokey, negative stereotyping surrounding this potential merger is just the latest in a long string of what I like to (not very creatively) call “Iowa-bashing.” And why not? No one is actually from there. Just a bunch of potatoes and Cleveland, right? Because…Iowa, right?

Wrong. As with so many things, consistently using the state as the butt of a national joke “is only okay if you’re from there.” (And it’s pronounced* “dee MOY-n,” for god’s sake. Where do you see a “Z” in Des Moines?!) I’ve been from Beijing to Chicago, Paris to Phnom Penh, Jakarta to New York City itself – and not one of these cities has the same feel of promise, the small-city charm, the modern “je ne sais quoi” with hipster neighborhoods and farmers markets and eclectic nightlife and legalized gay marriage as Des Moines.

So Time Inc. employees, my condolences on your recent failed merger – guess you’ll never get to see what you’re missing here. (Rosemary-infused cucumber lemonade, anyone?)

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* – Technically, it’s pronounced “dey mwah’n,” French for “the monks,” referring to the groups who first** inhabited the area.

** – Technically, the first inhabitants were members of the Ioway tribe. Who were probably not monks.