You’ve been bitten by a venomous centipede. Now what?

For some reason, I never thought I’d have to Google “what to do for venomous centipede bites.” Unfortunately, when you’re living in southern China, you end up searching for a lot of unusual requests online.

Also unfortunately, a lot of information on these enormous centipedes – scolopendra subspinipes or any of its Southeast Asian variants, including the Chinese red-headed centipede – is not available in English. Thus I found myself in something of a quandary last summer, one evening around midnight, when after dinner out (read: a meal consisting more of báijiǔ than actual shíwù) I felt a pair of tiny forcipules sink deep into my left foot.

A relative of the Chinese Red-Head, the Vietnamese Centipede. Frankly, I'd rather not have either one anywhere near me. (Image courtesy of http://animal-world.com.)

A relative of the Chinese Red-Head, the Vietnamese Centipede. Frankly, I’d rather not have either one anywhere near me. (Image courtesy of http://animal-world.com.)

Though I won’t repeat on here what was yelled loudly and emphatically at the time, I’d had previous encounters with the Chinese red-head (Scolopendra subspinipes mutilans). Living on the ground floor of the school’s dorms, the bottoms of our doors were katy-barred with small planks of wood so as to keep out large centipedes, insects, assorted beasties, and what-have-you. Earlier that summer, we’d even seen one of the seven-inch centipedes in question – trapped by some quick-thinking cafeteria workers down the row in an emptied jug of cheap Chinese booze.

(At the time, I felt sorry for the poor bottled creature, and had attempted to let it free. I was subsequently snapped at for letting a poisonous insect back into the school grounds. Where I come from, insects are not inherently life-threatening.)

Following a little online research borne out of curiosity, I learned that bites from these giant scolopendridae could be devastatingly painful – and occasionally deadly, should one be so unfortunate as to get envenomed on the head.

OH GOD! OH WHY! Here it comes, full-speed. Not only are they fast, they're hyper-perceptive of their surroundings. (Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/XrtyWQ.)

OH GOD! OH WHY! Here it comes, full-speed. Not only are they fast, they’re hyper-perceptive of their surroundings. (Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/XrtyWQ.)

“Shit! These things are running around the dorms,” I remember thinking at the time, still luxuriating in the myriad of large, varied, and exotic insects China had to offer, “and I tried to free one.” I felt horribly guilty, having potentially put a fellow Yongzhou No. 4 High School worker at harm.

But karma works in weird ways. Sitting at my computer that fateful eve, blasting music (as per usual), my involuntary pet centipede decided that hiding under my computer desk no longer constituted acceptable lodging. Chomping into my left metatarsals, my ill-fated, six-inch, hundred-legged friend made a break for it…and I went straight into Full-On Panic Mode, watching a terrified, writhing creature detach itself from my skin and run for the proverbial hills.

Let’s pause here to really drink in that image.

Fellow expats can attest that there’s a moment – in a country where you can’t speak the language, read the signs, or recognize the venomous prehistoric bugs – that you reach something of an enlightened Zen state when worst comes to worst. As venom coursed through my panicked, Western-medicined veins, I entertained the thought that maybe it wouldn’t be that bad.

Yet as the pain set in, I was out for blood (or whatever fluids circulate in the “centipedoidal anatomy”). Because HOLY CHRIST DOES THAT SMART. I found the little fucker making his way underneath my unused fridge, and spent the next 20 minutes smashing it into bite-size, normal-leg-numbered segments. It really did take 20 minutes, as the mutilans subspecies seems to have a unique ability to zombify/Lazarus itself.

This person is a dumb-ass. Case closed. Do not consider anything with fangs your "friend." (Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/YKwX40.)

This person is a dumb-ass. Case closed. Do not consider anything with fangs your “friend,” even as a baby. (Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/YKwX40.)

While our school’s Foreign Affairs Officer called an ambulance at the ripe hour of 1 a.m., I hobbled the half mile to the front gate and waited with immense trepidation. (“You need an ambulance!” said the FAO, over the phone. “I can’t speak Chinese,” I replied, rolling my eyes inaudibly. “Oh. Maybe I will call for you.” Wait, maybe?!)

When the good folks online say the bite may incur:

  • “‘Rippling pain” (mine lasted throughout the left leg for some 18 hours, though some say it may take 2-3 days for the pain to fade);
  • “Redness” (oh, and will it be beet-red);
  • “Focalized inflammation” (roughly a week after the initial bite, the numerous muscles in my foot became infected and swelled it to the size of a pomelo, requiring additional Traditional Chinese Medicine [TCM] snake-bite pills to reduce the inflammation and necrotized tissue);
  • “Abnormal skin tingling, tickling, itching, or burning sensations” (okay, mostly just a lot of itcthing);
  • “Acute itching” (but seriously, the itchiness); and,
  • “A non-amplifying localized death of living cells” (spoiler alert: the top of my left foot turned black for about a week)

…they aren’t kidding. About a month after the whole ordeal of bite, followed by inflammation, followed by awkward daily outpatient treatment for post-bite inflammation, followed by PTSD-esque nightmares involving squiggly creatures, I came to understand quite well why the cafeteria ladies down the row had entrapped their snaky intruder as they did.

The victorious centipede of comic lore, the losing gladiator, and my very red foot, post-fanging.

The Crimson Centipede of comic lore, the losing gladiator, and my very red foot, post-fanging. I keep hoping for a Spiderman-like transformation.

The incident also helped me realize, though, the role Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) still plays in modern-day China, and why Western medicine will never fully monopolize the vast Chinese pharmaceuticals market. After all, if it weren’t for the magical snake-bite pills the doctor in Yongzhou prescribed me, I may well have left China without a left foot. A mere “10 pills, three times a day,”and I was bouncing back.

(That’s not to say the green, globulous TCM mass they spread on my back to “reduce fever” is as effective as, say, taking a bunch of Tylenol. It has its time and place. As do centipede bites.)

And yet, a few months later, I never thought I’d have to Google “what to do for appendicitis.” But when you’re living in southern China, you end up searching for a lot of unusual requests online. In the age of a fast-developing Middle Kingdom, though, where East increasingly meets West, you end up with a lot of interesting stories to tell later on.

Asia out-meme-ing, out-viral-ing America; winning 2013

The viral meme. An awesome amalgamation of poorly-drawn, staged, or Photoshopped images; blunt sentencing (or none at all); generally horrible spelling; and – more often than not – a sentence voicing an opinion shared by hundreds of thousands across borders and languages. The success of the meme largely lies in its variability: All play off a common theme, but can be twisted visually or linguistically to reflect entirely different emotions (see: Socially Awkward Penguin/Awesome Penguin).

But memes and other things that “go viral in the night” have been a distinctly American Internet phenomenon – until now. With the Japanese innovation of “Hadokening” (thank you, Buzzfeed, for wrongly attributing this to DragonBall Z, when it’s really of Street Fighter 2 origin)…

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(“Hadokening” done right, courtesy of Buzzfeed and i.imgur.com.)

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(Who DIDN’T always choose Ryu?! Image courtesy of Buzzfeed and i.imgur.com.)

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Convenient they’ve all left their seemingly gravity-bound belongings in a small pile. (Image courtesy of ABC News and i.imgur.com.)

…and pan-Asian “Potato Parties“…

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A group of teens in Seoul, South Korea, started the “potato party” trend by ordering a butt-ton of fries at McDonald’s. (Image courtesy of Global Post, Twitter.)

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…When you have nothing better to do than order 60 “large fries” at once. Who’s hungry?! (Image courtesy of japandailypress.com.)

…not to mention, the awesome power of the written Chinese language’s tendency toward Internet-related funny homophones, and China’s willingness to take on government corruption via meme…

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Chinese officials help “regulate” soccer match. The “cluster of three” has recently become a popular, corruption-related meme. (Courtesy of i2.kym-cdm.com.)

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Recently appointed minister of Chinese railways, Sheng Guangzu, had an unfortunate episode with Rolex watches. Maybe he’ll learn better next time. (Image courtesy of telegraph.co.uk/worldnews/asia/china.)

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Don’t you hate waiting that extra 10 minutes for the Internet to be your “friend” again? (Image courtesy of memejelly.com.)

…it would appear that Asia as a whole is winning 2013. Time to go watch more videos about a Japanese cat figuring out cardboard boxes and a traditional Beijing opera “female impersonator” get his transsexual rock-opera on. Not exactly memes, but maybe some day they’ll go viral in America, too.

Long of peace, short of breath

This panorama, an amalgamation of photos of Beijing’s “atmosphere” during the once-a-decade meetings of the National People’s Congress and the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference from March 4 – 17, shows the state of environmental affairs along Chang’an Jie (“Long Peace Street”) and Tian’anmen Square. As this panoramic combo makes its way around the Internet, coupled with last week’s news of almost 6,000 dead pigs clogging Shanghai’s waterways, expect environmental news to take front-and-center this week in Chinese news and on QQ/Sina Weibo.

Three sunny, blue-sky days out of 14 in Beijing? The visiting politicians must have brought good luck with them.

The People's Air!

A popularly circulated image on Sina Weibo (prior to its “harmonizing“) and the Shanghaiist, Beijing’s iconic Mao Zedong portrait contends with the capital city’s continuing air pollution epidemic. Be it sandstorms, factories, construction, or meteorological misfortune, Weibo user @yanyutong’s tongue-in-cheek-in-mask reference is apparently too controversial for Beijing’s choking victims residents.

(It’s not that bad. So long as you don’t mind blowing your nose and seeing black.)

Shanghai’s “pork soup” problem

“Officials say the water quality has not been affected and they are investigating where the pigs came from.”

For those wondering, no: This is not a story about piping-hot 馄饨汤 (pork dumpling soup). It is about a river. And the pigs in question? Long past their expiration date.

On Friday evening, reports of 900 1,200 pig carcasses dumped in the Songjiang section of the Huangpu River (just outside Shanghai) made the news, shocking residents of China’s second-largest city. According to Beijing Cream, city health officials determined “the pigs do not pose a health hazard, and the risk of E. coli is not much higher than normal.” The thought of ingesting bloated, fermenting swine is one thing – though Cthulu help the 22 million residents actually drinking or using tap water in Shanghai.

(The fact that this situation has heightened the E. coli risk to “not much higher than normal” is another matter all together.)

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Retrieval and disposal of the more than 1,000 pig carcasses continues. (Image courtesy of CRJ Online and ministryoftofu.com)

Reports also indicate that officials “are investigating where the pigs came from,” as noted in the Independent (U.K.). Don’t you hate when 900 1,200 porcine bacon-makers mysteriously appear and suddenly die in your city’s major waterway? But thanks to coverage from the Ministry of Tofu, there’s no need to sugar-coat this sweet-and-(mostly)-sour pork:

“It is reported that since January, over 20,000 pigs have died in the neighboring rural villages. The mass death events have overwhelmed pig farmers as well as villages living in the area.”

Of the 50 million tons (110,231,000,000 lbs.) of pork produced in China each year, one must factor in a number of animals who just won’t make it, due to biological or disease-related reasons. In its reporting, the Ministry also noted that “Jiaxing Daily, a state-run newspaper circulated in Zhejiang province, disclosed Saturday…that 10,078 pigs died in January and 8,325 in February.” Just this month, “an average number of 300 pigs are killed each day.”

(While it’s unknown how many are slaughtered for meat and how many are “put out of their misery,” it’s safe to say that the recent conflagration in the Huangpu is probably not the best way to deal with an excess of unpalatable swine carcasses.)

But you have to hand it to Shanghai officials for doing their damnedest to make sure the “When pigs fly!” story stays believable. Reports the Independent:

“A statement posted Saturday on the city’s Agriculture Committee’s website says they haven’t found any evidence that the pigs were dumped into the river or of any animal epidemic.”

Clearly, all evidence points to a Noah’s Arc 2.0-type situation here. Luckily, Shanghai residents and Sina Weibo users alike aren’t buying the official line, and as reported by the Ministry, “are not only concerned about food safety and water quality being compromised by this incident, but questioning what caused so many pigs to die as well. Others worry that the government has been covering up the issue in the past few months.”

And pork is a porcine issue in meat-hungry China. Thanks to decades of famine and scarcity, a meal without meat in the modern-day Middle Kingdom doesn’t cut it. (Trust me: It’s impossible to eat around the meat. It is omnipresent.) Reports the Guardian (U.K.):

“I’ve heard people talking about eating meat in ‘revenge,'” [Cornell University sociologist Mindi] Schneider said. “It was so limited before. Now it’s like: ‘Look at this progress, we can eat as much meat as we want.'”

Apparently that means breeding, growing, and slaughtering enough pork to satisfy one-fifth of the world’s population. (Not that Americans are any more meat-conscious: The average American eats 276 lbs. of pork per year, compared to 132 lbs. by the average Chinese person.) If anything, this incident should bring to light the unsustainable nature of pork production and/or drinking water treatments in China’s cities.

But then again, who in Shanghai would turn down a nice hot bowl of 馄饨汤, straight from the faucet?

“Follow the examples of comrade Lei Feng”

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Today is no ordinary Tuesday in early March. Today is “Learn from Lei Feng Day” (学雷锋日). And you know what that means: Chinese newspaper editorials, take it away!

“Whatever one does should never be at the expense of another, extending a helping hand to the needy and helping others are expected in a civilized society. To be a good citizen is the prerequisite for learning from Lei Feng.”

This, from Xinhua, reminds us how much of a good Samaritan the possibly concocted enigma really was. In concluding, the editorial states, “with an increasing number of people becoming too concerned with money and materialistic gains to spare a thought for others, the promotion of the Lei Feng spirit may function as a reminder that the pursuit of materialistic gains alone is not enough in life.” Hear, hear! Who can argue with that?

Until we remember that Mr. Lei is an altruistic, loyal, and kindhearted Chinese Communist Party hero (concocted or not). Surely one day out of the year to remember the original system of governing is enough to make up for 364 days of unbridled “capitalism with Chinese characteristics?” Pff, semantics! Let’s see what else the editorial boards had to say:

“Lei has gradually become a universal role model as political overtones surrounding him fade. Those who object to glorifying Lei’s spirit are intent on trampling morality for the sake of political point scoring…. A poll conducted by the Global Times last year showed that most Chinese have a positive perception of Lei, with nearly 90 percent of respondents voicing disdain toward those skeptical of the good Samaritan soldier.”

Daaayumn! Though I never met a single person in Hunan that fully believed the LF back-story, there sure are a lot of people who are apparently ready to defend his posthumous reputation. Perhaps it’s neither the story nor the soldier that people like to cling to for hope; it’s the notion that doing good in this world for something other than monetary or political gain is still worthy of praise. In certain places around the world, maybe this has become something of a foreign concept (eyes on you, U.S.).

And speaking of America, what did our papers have to say on this momentous occasion?

“In photos of suspiciously good quality and quantity, Lei Feng smiles as he polishes his army truck or darns his comrades’ socks at their platoon. He never went to bed without first reading Chairman Mao’s works, the Chinese are told. The same truck killed him in 1962 at age 21 when a laundry pole flattened by another driver sprang back and struck Lei in the head.”

USA Today offered this vignette, along with a skeptical yet hopeful story about Xi Jinping’s well-timed sign-off to his nation’s people. He – along with former Premier Wen Jiabao, whose remarks today noted that China’s leadership “should unwaveringly combat corruption … and ensure that officials are honest, government is clean and political affairs are handled with integrity” – are clearly exemplary of the Lei Feng spirit. *cough*

But talk is cheap. And so are good deeds:

“A majority of people questioned Tuesday said they did not realize it was ‘Learn from Lei Feng Day,’ and had not done any good deeds on purpose. … But although 70 percent admitted they did not know Tuesday was Lei Feng Day, most respondents said that dedicating March 5 to Lei Feng is meaningful as it promotes a healthy social atmosphere.”

It’s almost like “Pay it Forward” day, but with more meaningful propagandizing. Apparently the Global Times wasn’t looking to hop on the bandwagon with their editorial, quoting a handful of older residents who basically called B.S. on the whole thing (and one 13-year-old student who claimed, “he must be real, otherwise where do those Lei Feng’s diary we learnt from our text books come from?”) Oh, you poor, poor thing. (And copy editors, for shame!)

While it’s easy to criticize another nation’s folk hero, especially on his Big Day, it’s worth remembering that all our selfless, altruistic, died-too-young protagonists are probably too good to be true as well. And maybe it’s worth taking one day out of the year to help that old lady cross the street, toss some change in the beggar’s cup, or to perform some unrequited act of kindness in the name of do-gooding.

Maybe we can learn from “Lei Feng,” after all.

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(Get ’em while they’re young. Image courtesy of http://www.iisg.nl/today/images/e13-416.jpg)

China, as read in English (map)

China, as read in English (map)

Whether you’ve tried to navigate your way from Zhongshan Nan Lu to Zhongshan Bei Lu – a conspicuously easy task anywhere outside China – or merely attempted to get from Point A to Point B in a small (read: English-free) Chinese city, you understand the trials and travails involved in Middle Kingdom map reading. Even if you’ve perused the China page in your world atlas and wondered why Yangzhou, Yongzhou, and Yangshuo aren’t all the same place, you’re in luck: There’s a map for that.

This fantastic map translates (literally) Chinese province and capital city names, making it easier for the non-China-initiated to make sense of the place. (Even those who’ve been may be surprised by the translations of a few of these. Like central metropolis Chongqing, “Heavy Celebration,” just north of “Expensive State” province.)

I’ll always be thankful to the residents of Cold Riverbank City in Forever State, South Lake province, for showing me the warmth of small-city Middle Kingdom. What’s the most interestingly named Chinese city (as translated into English) that you’ve visited?

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