Fear and clothing in Des Moines

Fear and clothing in Des Moines

A few days ago, I waxed poetic on the fine art of “Iowa-bashing.” Lo and behold, a new example has been churned out, much to the delight/chagrin of Iowans. (“They name-dropped us!” we say excitedly, as every native Iowan links to it on Facebook. “BUT THEY DID IT TO HATE ON US!” we realize, dejectedly.)

Coming from the Onion, it’s hard to take it too seriously. And let’s be honest: Iowa, much less Des Moines, will never be a bastion of fashion. (That’s your cue, Iowa State Fair attendees.) But the story could have “taken place” just as easily in Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma…maybe we Midwest states aren’t so alone after all. “No Coast” states, it’s your time to shine. On the catwalk.

Iowa Legislature “funnels” 2013 bills

Members of the Iowa legislature hard at work. (Image courtesy of watchdog.org)

Members of the Iowa legislature hard at work. (Image courtesy of watchdog.org)

Bills regulating bullying control, strip clubs, and Alzheimer’s disease were among the select few to pass the Iowa Legislature’s first “funnel” of the 2013 session. The Des Moines Register reported Saturday on 25 bills that made it past the initial hurdle (and 10 that didn’t), further informing Iowa’s residents what their representatives are backing on their behalf.

While most of the proposed laws seem relatively innocuous – who could argue against increased transparency from the state Board of Regents, an optional 4.5 percent flat income tax, or making “reasonable accommodations” for pregnant workers? – there are a few that Iowans might find less candid and clear-cut.

Here is just a small sampling of what’s up at bat for the state legislature this session:

A nonprofessional "permit to carry" gun license for the state of Iowa. (Image courtesy of usacarry.org)

A nonprofessional “permit to carry” gun license for the state of Iowa. (Image courtesy of usacarry.org)

  • H.F. 81: Confidential permit information of weapon carriers and purchasers. According to this bill, the state commissioner of public safety must “maintain a permanent record of all valid permits to carry weapons and of current permit revocations,” and heretofore “keep confidential the names and addresses of holders of nonprofessional permits to carry weapons and permits to acquire pistols or revolvers.” Looks like a few Iowa House members got rubbed the wrong way by the University of Iowa and Johnson County’s recent information-sharing non-scandal. However, it would seem that if one is opting to own a gun – for personal safety or hunting reasons – one should be more than willing to admit to owning a lethal weapon, right?
  • S.F. 298: Official definition of a “sex act.” For god knows what reason, the state’s classification of a sexual deed apparently needs to include “ejaculation onto the person of another,” the only addition to this already standing (and surprisingly thorough) legislation. The Register reports that “the Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault and the Family Planning Council of Iowa support the bill.” (However, neither provide abortions should one be accidentally ejaculated into.)
  • H.F. 186: Optional straight-ticket voting. This law would ensure that ballots “[b]e so constructed or designed as to permit voting for candidates for nomination or election of at least seven different political parties or organizations,” and would remove straight-ticket voting boxes for either Republican or Democratic nominees. I have to side with the Iowa House majority on this one; requiring voters to physically fill in their votes for each office would likely encourage more informed (and potentially varied) votes for state officials. The downside? Taking 10 more seconds to fill in a ballot.
  • H.F. 485: Photo ID required to vote. This House bill, unlike the one above, is hard to swallow (possibly because it’s chock full o’ ALEC groupthink). According to the proposed legislation, “[a] precinct election official shall require the voter to present for inspection proof of identification before being allowed to vote,” proof being a document – with photograph – provided by the United States government or the state of Iowa, a higher education or secondary school in Iowa, or a “political subdivision of the state of Iowa.” (Or – and I shit you not – you may have a relative come along to swear an oath on your identity!) And should one refuse to show identification, under this proposed bill? No ID, no vote. Thankfully the Iowa House has taken up this pressing matter, as voter fraud in Iowa/America has clearly decreased the number of “real” votes in this country. (#sarcasm)
  • S.S.B. 1163: Transparency from the state Board of Regents. As reported by the Register, “[m]ore transparency would be required of the Iowa Board of Regents, although a provision banning political activity by the Regents has been stripped from the legislation.” While it’s unfortunate that said “political activity ban” has been cut (*cough*Bruce Rastetter*cough*), requiring Regents to hold public input forums in different areas of the state and respond to constituents’ questions would be a step in the right direction.
  • H.S.B. 196: School anti-harassment and anti-bullying policies. Changes to this bill would allow Iowa school supervisors to “discipline students for bullying and harassment wherever the actions take place – including online and on social media sites – and whether under school supervision or not,” according to the Register. The state House of Representatives should be lauded for taking on this issue, as it’s not an easy one to regulate. Whispered insults in the hallway and derogatory Facebook comments can be equally damaging to a student, yet only one occurs on school grounds. Should school officials have the authority to punish students for both forms of harassment? Or is it too easy to go overboard, as with disciplining students for pretend guns?
Is bullying outside school within the jurisdiction of school officials? The Iowa House will decide. (Image courtesy of bullyingpreventionnow.com)

Is bullying outside school within the jurisdiction of school officials? The Iowa House will decide. (Image courtesy of bullyingpreventionnow.com)

What are your thoughts on these proposed bills? Which deserve to be passed, and which are better left for the crows?

“Iowa-bashing:” Because…Iowa.

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Iowa: It’s exactly what you were expecting, right?

Today’s public service announcement comes to you straight from the heart of Des Moines, Iowa – a smallish, quaint, quiet and mostly dilapidated circa-1970’s hovel in the middle of a cornfield. With one “skyscraper.” And good God-fearing, gun-toting farming folk. Pronounced “dez MOY-nz.” Right?

Apparently that’s what the reporters over at FishbowlNY have determined about our inconsequential little flyover state, as talks of a merger between Time Inc. and the Meredith Corporation (the latter based here in Dez Moynz) finally sputtered to a halt Thursday. Why would two highly successful publishing houses have difficulty conglomerating into one giant, amoebic media mass, you ask?

According to FishbowlNY, because…Iowa. (And also possibly that “Time Inc. and Meredith can’t decide what to do with Time, Fortune, Money and Sports Illustrated.”) Writes Fishbowl’s Chris O’Shea:

“If the talks fall through, blame Iowa. In almost every report about the media combo, there has been a mention about how people think Iowa (where Meredith is headquartered) sucks.”

One of those “it’s funny because it’s true” jokes, right? O’Shea also kindly informs us that it’s unfair to judge preemptively, as Iowa has exactly three (THREE!) redeeming factors: Adventureland amusement park (yes, really), The Bridges of Madison County, and the same native tongue as New York.

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See? Raygun’s t-shirts get to make fun of Iowa, because they’re made IN Iowa!

(Clearly this man hasn’t done his homework, as there are none of the usual mentions: Capt. James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise, our UNESCO City of Literature and the world-renowned International Writer’s Program, the first state to caucus for presidential election candidates every four years, our Olympics gold-winning gymnastics training centers, home of the World Food Prize, birthplace of professional ass-hat Ashton Kutcher and indie flickster/”Frodo” portrayer Elijah Wood – the list goes on.)

But still…Iowa, right? No number of laudable places, people, or accomplishments seem to un-tarnish our outdated national reputation. It’s no wonder Time Inc. employees were fearful of a potential relocation. From Christine Haughney of the New York Times:

“As bankers and media executives work out the details of creating a new publicly traded company to house the magazine titles of the Meredith Corporation and the lifestyle titles of Time Inc., employees at both companies have been wondering how executives will take on the harder task of merging two very different corporate cultures.

Meredith’s headquarters in Des Moines have an open floor plan; the executives have their offices on the first floor and favor early-morning meetings. A recent lunch at one of Meredith’s magazines featured kale salad and rosemary-infused cucumber lemonade. Time Inc. executives tend toward lunches at Michael’s, where the dry-aged steak is a highlight, and after-work cocktails at the Lamb’s Club.”

Good god, not kale and open spaces! Can you imagine the clash of cultures that would ensue if these media behemoths actually had conglomerated? Who would be so heartless as to send an ambitious young upstart in the Big Apple to Forbes’ running “Best City for Young Professionals,” Des Moines? (I hear they only have one “skyscraper!”)

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Unending miles of corn fields. Look how they sparkle in the glow of the harvest moon. (Image courtesy of picturesofiowa.com)

The jokey, negative stereotyping surrounding this potential merger is just the latest in a long string of what I like to (not very creatively) call “Iowa-bashing.” And why not? No one is actually from there. Just a bunch of potatoes and Cleveland, right? Because…Iowa, right?

Wrong. As with so many things, consistently using the state as the butt of a national joke “is only okay if you’re from there.” (And it’s pronounced* “dee MOY-n,” for god’s sake. Where do you see a “Z” in Des Moines?!) I’ve been from Beijing to Chicago, Paris to Phnom Penh, Jakarta to New York City itself – and not one of these cities has the same feel of promise, the small-city charm, the modern “je ne sais quoi” with hipster neighborhoods and farmers markets and eclectic nightlife and legalized gay marriage as Des Moines.

So Time Inc. employees, my condolences on your recent failed merger – guess you’ll never get to see what you’re missing here. (Rosemary-infused cucumber lemonade, anyone?)

* – Technically, it’s pronounced “dey mwah’n,” French for “the monks,” referring to the groups who first** inhabited the area.

** – Technically, the first inhabitants were members of the Ioway tribe. Who were probably not monks.

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